ilovethecolony

We're Back....

2009-02-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

Because this town needs a swift kick in the ass.

04/01/09

Why Do The Strange Men Offer Me Candy

2005-10-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

Mommy, why do the strange men want to give me candy? Everywhere I go in The Colony on Halloween there are a lot of people offering me candy; but when I am walking around on other days too, some strange men offer me candy. They usually drive a big old’ van and wear aviator sun glasses and say “Come ‘ere little boy, get some candy.” It is even scarier than Halloween monsters, mommy. One time one of the men in The Colony offered me candy and then took me into his basement and made me “rub the lotion on my skin” it was really weird. I don’t want to go out trick or treating this year mommy, because half the people on Baker give me broken glass, and rat traps for Halloween, I don’t think they know what candy is, one time I asked for some and a strange black man grabbed me, took me to his house, and attempted to sell me drugs! Then he stabbed me, oh mommy it hurts, I don’t want anymore candy. Someone told me that an evil Frankenstein lives in Bill Allen and he eats babies intestines, please mommy, I don’t want the Frankenstein to eat my intestines mommy, I love my intestines.

ME HATE GOTH KIDS!!!!!!!

2005-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

BY: FRANKENSTEIN

All these Goth kids at Bill Allen taking away from me scare commissions. Me pissed off,second off where these Goth kids get off taking away me scares? C’mon Me is Franken-Fucking-Stien; they think they vampires and witches and shit. Look, just because you have book of “spells” and are tripping on ‘shrooms does not mean that you evil, nor are you an other-wordly being, such as me. Those black dressed ass-hole eating sons of goblins need learn who boss of these here woods, and Me think that man is me. So there. Me eatbabies! Me feast on ripped face, and blood of innocent! AHHH! Me watched one of theseHarry Potter reading, eye shadow wearing punks cry for an hour and half because he thinkhe loose his anime magazine and magic cards! Gaaaay. So, Me want me park back dickkissers.

This Town Sucks, Get It?

2005-10-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

By Dracula

This town sucks, get it? See, it’s funny. I am saying that the town sucks and I am Dracula, king of the vampires. Isn’t that a delightful play on words? Hee-hee, it is wise cracks like that, which give me a good chuckle. It is a play on the word sucks, once in the true form; as in me sucking blood, and yet again in a metaphorical manner as in; this town sucks. That is so witty and intelligent that I had to add that “get it?” after-words to clarify it’s status as a keen, wry mannerism and not a pure statement, nor a declaratively structured sentence. Boy, I sure am smart coming up with that joke, what an astoundingly new observation about this town; that is sucks. Not only is that joke side-splitting funny it is also a deep social note, on the sheer degradation of quality found within this town’s limits.Ha, ha, ha, ha. I vant to tell you how happy this makes me. It makes me laugh so hard that it almost makes me forget that God has forsaken me, and sent me to live with the demons.

Haven't You People Seen A Ghost Costume Before?

2005-10-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

By Nick LaLane

Hey guys, come on, cut it out, theres children about. I don't think that kind of language is making a very good impression on these young ones. No, I don't see anything wrong with my costume. It's just your standard Ghost Costume, Honestly, I don't think I've ever met as many people who have been so sensitive about a halloween costume. You'd think you thought I was a REAL GHOST. Come on people it's not even that realistic, it's just a sheet with some eye holes cut in it. Haven't you people ever seen a ghost costume before? Racially offensive? I don't think so, not at all.... wait a minute... well.. that's quite a stretch but I see where your going with it, along time ago African Americans were sometimes called spooks. I see where your coming from but honestly I dont think many others shareyour point of ..... Oh, your not talking about black people being called spooks. Well thenwhat are you talking about? I hope you know I don't have time to stand here and have you verbally assault me. No I don't hate black people, why do you keep asking me that, I'm just going to leave, I have alot of Trick or Treating to do, Please move.... Excuse me sir, did you just push me? What is your name? Tyrell? Now listen to me Tyrell I think you should stand aside, I mean you no harm.

A Day In The Life: TCPD Officer Joe Brikowski Pt. II

2005-10-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

What's up you little fuckers?.........Miss me? Judging from the ridiculous amount of egg on my squad car I'm going to guess you didn't.Well, you know what, fuck it. I'm not going to let you little punks rain on this cop's parade.This site asked me to write about my daily life as a TC Police Officer and that's exactlywhat I'm going to do. Now, where was I...Usually for lunch I like to head on over to Jack In The Box, not because I enjoy the 2 tacos for a dollar deal but because the scumbags in this town do. Usually by 3 PM I'm so high on PCP I'm too busy trying to talk myself out of taking the shotgun from my trunk and firing at traffic on 121 to eat those things anyway. The chief has often complimented me on my keen police instinct that has alerted me to a large amount of criminal activity, but I prefer not to think of it as Keen Police Instinct, I like to think of it more as something I call "Mexi-dar" You see, it's a three step process,

Step 1) See A Mexican
Step 2) Arrest The Mexican
Step 3) Plant drugs and or weapons on said Mexican.

This process has worked for well over ten years and hasn't failed once.... Hold on, I see one now. This is Joe Brikowski, signing off.

TCHS Student Plans To Urinate All Over Highschool Pt. II

2005-10-06T21:20:00.000-07:00

By: Brett Chitlinger

I did it, I finally did it. Holy shit, this is the best week of my entire life. I urinated in every single toilet, urinal, janitor’s closet, teacher washroom, bathroom floor, and athletics shower in the whole High School. It took some work, and definitely a lot of fluids supplied by my frequenting of the water fountains around my favorite facilities. I have not only used every toilet in The Colony High School but I have also rated them. I have come to the conclusion that the all time greatest bathroom ever is in the hall over by the west side ofthe building with wood paneling and grain sinks. The best stall in the whole place is in there, not only does it have a clean toilet, room to walk around because of it being a handicapped stall, but it also has some awesome writing on the wall. To quote a few literary gems gracing the walls “Lindsay Lohan has some big ass titties” and such timeless classics as “For hot sex call 214-543-8941” Did I mention that my favorite bathrooms also have automatic sinks and the water fountains by them are super cold and refreshing, none the less at a desirable water height level. So now that my Everest has been achieved Idon’t quite know what to do but bask in my monumentous glory. Remember if you see me in the halls to ask me all about pissing everywhere and yell, “There is the piss guy!” as Imarch forward in happiness.

The Waterpark Sucks It

2005-10-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

Summer has come to its bitter end at last. The cold days are coming onto us, and the sky is getting darker. But, before the last beautiful 100-degree day is gone I would like to remind all of you how much the water park sucks. When I heard they were building a water park in The Colony, I was excited, but not too excited (where the fuck is my bowling alley, movietheater, starbucks, roller rink, etc.) So when they actually started building it I almost pissed my pants in anticipation, hoping that something that was getting built was not going to be another liquor store. I was all ready to line up on the first day and get my tickets to have endless fun in Hawaiian Falls, but to my great agonizing dismay it was only three slides and some other bright purple plastic shit with a parrot on it. What the fuck is that?Really, come on, how much more could we express being mediocre. I would rather go to the public pool than this fourteen-dollar bullshit parade. I rode all the slides, yes all three ofthem, and jeez was I tired from all that exercise going to ALL of those different really funrides. That is such ultra-bullshit I want to slap the every one who approved, and built thatwater park right in their faces!

Local Slacker Proclaims Self King Of Cripples

2005-09-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

Hey, Whats up? Alot of you may have seen me tooling around town in my wheelchair. You may have also nudged your friends in the side and laughed at the crippled guy in the wheelchair with the crown on. Well I have news for you, I'm not crippled, I'm just lazy, And the crown... I bought it last year, because I needed it to give legitimacy to my reign as"King of The Cripples" You may be asking yourself,"Why would someone want to be king of the cripples?"Well I'll tell you, It started about 3 years ago, I was sitting in my living room watching Montel, and I had some Pizza Bagel Bites cooking in the microwave, when they finished I got up to go get them and I said to myself,"Randy, What the hell, Is this what you wanted out of life?"Thats when I realized that it wasn't. What I wanted out of life was to be as lazy as possible. That meant no more walking from the living room to the kitchen, I bought my wheelchair later that day. Since then my life has changed dramatically. When I run out of liquor and pot pies, I am forced to go to the store, but thanks to my wheelchair I'm able to park right in the front of the store in the crippled parking spaces. Not only that but people get things off the shelves for me and my pan handling income has increased over 300%.Fuck yeah dude.Thats when I truely realized the potential of the Cripple. I started wearing the crown and going to the wheelchair basketball games and hospitals and cripple networking with all the cripples I could find. I tell them of my plan to rise up and use our disabilities to score free lap dances at strip clubs and front row seats when WWE Raw comes to town. Asof now, no one has joined me but i dont fuckin need em. As long as I can ride around living the good life, I don't give a shit.

TC Hoods: The "T" Streets

2005-09-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

By Sydney Brigantor

I'm gonna kick your faces in. All of you. I'm sorry, that was a bit harsh, but you don't know what it's like living here on the T Streets, The streets around Turner Soccer fields that all start with the letter T.... How creative... Every day, I get the little shits down at Turner Soccer Fields kicking their balls into my backyard. At first I'd just throw them back over, but now, I take them out front and stab them with a butcher knife till the kids cry and run back to their mommys. Deal with it. I'm not going to say that The T Streets are the worst neighborhood in The Colony, but were not the best either. One thing about our streets is that were very seculded, which allows the old asian couple down the street to fight in their front yard, last week Mr. Huan karate chopped his wife in the face, climbed on top of his Toyota Carolla and landed a flying kick to her chest just like Johnny Cage in Mortal Kombat. It was pretty sweet, I'll admit, but it just shows the kind of things that happen when it takes the cops 30 minutes to drag their asses out here.

Old People Make Me Want To Kill Myself

2005-09-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

By Dale Potrontron

Oh great, Have you noticed all that fucking construction on 423 past the bridge goingtowards Little Elm? Do you know what that's going to be? A Senior Citizen Community. Just what this town needs 5,000 Old people moving in & making the lines longer at the pharmacy. Fuck those sons of bitches. When those old fuckers get here, you can bet your ass I'll be there trying to swindle them out of their retirement funds. Not because I'm a thief but because if I can take their money they'll have to get the hell out of this town. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I love this town so much I don't want to share it, I fucking dispise this town, lets get that clear. I want them out because if I have to sit behind old people in traffic as they drive 35mph down 121 I'm just going to beat my brains out with a tack hammer. The only good thing is Death will come quickly for all of them. I can only pray that it comes for me shortly after. I've been giving it alot of thought and I only have two goals left to accomplish in life... Burn this town to the ground, and kill myself on christmas morning as my children open their presents. I hate the elderly

This Is My Can Of Green Beans, Suck It New Orleans

2005-09-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

You may have heard that recently, New Orleans was struck by a hurricaine. Having just returned to concsiness from a week long cocaine binge, I was informed of this tragedy. Iwas also informed that all the cities surrounding The Colony are offering some sort of aid or something, many citizens have expressed concern that The Colony has not made an attempt to form any type of relief operation to help New Orleans or the 25,000 refuges being housed in Dallas. To that I say, Fuck Em. Thats right, This is my can of green beans, Suck it New Orleans. I'm not going to allow one ounce of food from MY city to be given to those rotten Cajuns. Some people in my office have expressed concern to me over my position. "Mayor, surely you can't be serious, we have to do something, Carrolton, Plano, Frisco,Little Elm, Denton, McKinney, Lewisville, Flowermound, and all the other cities in the area have at least offered to help," My anwser to this will remain the same. I DONT CARE. The food of The Colony willcontinue to go where it is needed the most, into the mouths of the 300 lb. 8 year olds that roam the cafeterias of this cities sub par schools. Now, if you will excuse me, I have more important issues, We're breaking ground on a new liquor store.

I'm Sorry, Your Son Is Gay. Bettter Luck Next Time

2005-08-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

By: Elementary School Principal Samantha Glass

I've been the principal at your son's school for over thirty years, and believe me, I can spot a fruit from over 100 yds. away. That’s why it hurts me to say this, but your son is gay,better luck next time. Don't be too sad, He's only 7, It shouldn't be too hard for you to put him up for adoption and get back in the bedroom and try to knock it out of the park, and make a quality heterosexual. I assure you my assumption about Little Robby is correct, he possesses numerous flamboyant homosexual tendencies. I'm sure once you give him to the adoption agency and start to clean out his room of all the dolls and my little ponies orwhatever the little gays play with nowadays you'll forget he ever existed in no time. Lets be honest, your a attractive young couple, you should be able to produce not only a straight baby, but a much more handsome one than Robby too. I've seen some ugly kids in my time but Robby's face looks like a partially digested deer carcass. I'm sorry, that was a bit harsh, he can't help his horrific appearance

Guess Who Just Got An Ikea!

2005-08-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

By Arrogant Frisco Resident Brian Callahan

Well, Well, Well, This is becoming a bit of a theme isn't it? Mark down another victory forFrisco, bringing the running score to Frisco:548 The Colony: 0. I just got back from redecorating my house with stylish Sweedish furnishings from the new IKEA. You like that?I bet you do, i just made you my bitch. Suck on that. Did you know that our IKEA is over 4 times larger than the Wal Mart where you rat finks in The Colony buy your homefurnishings. Not to mention that i can also nibble on Sweedish meatballs and delicious Cinnamon Rolls while I look at all the wonderful things IKEA has to offer me. HAHAHA laugh with me, it will help to stop the hurt... On second thought, No it wont,because you still live in The Colony. I can see your piece of shit town from the top of theNew IKEA building, I noticed the new tollway, slicing through your town like a hot metal rod across the face of a cheap whore. I think it fits in nicely with the rest of your town. Enjoy it. Just don't think about using it to come visit the IKEA, I'll save you the trip, You can't afford anything in it anyway.

TC Hoods: Baker Street

2005-08-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

Do you like broken down cars, pitbulls, and crack houses? Then I'd like to invite you to my Neighborhood, My name is Robert, but my fellow gang members call me Bob the Bomb, and I live on Baker St. Baker Street wasn't always the hell on earth it is today. But with lots of laziness and neglect it has become one of the worst, in not the worst single streets in The Colony. I'm proud to report that Baker St. is home to the highest number of Crack houses and homemade meth labs in the city. Looking for a diseased whore? Look no further, on Baker we can offer you numerous whores, no matter what your taste, we have goth whore, mexican whore, strung out whore, and pregnant but drinking whore. Feel free to mingle with the locals and fit in by vomiting in the gutter, or kicking your dog. So stop on by, most of our front doors have been kicked off the hinges by the police, so feel free to drive your motorcycle directly into the living room and join us as we cut our arms with old razor blades just so we can feel something besides soul crushing sadness. We'll save you a urine soaked couch to sleep on.

TCHS Student Plans To Urinate All Over Highschool

2005-08-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is my Everest. I must take a piss in every toilet,urinal,and shower that The ColonyHigh School has to offer by the end of August this year. Some people say that my goal ispointless, but I assure you that it is not! Nothing can stop me, not only will I be using thestudent boy’s bathrooms, I will also use the girl’s and continue on until I have pissed inevery bathroom, faculty bathroom, field house bathroom, private bathroom, and janitor’s closet in the school. Neither nook, nor cranny can escape my stream of yellow victory. Iwill mark my territory as the greatest pisser in the history of The Colony High School. Woe unto those who stand in my way, for I shall piss on them if they do not move. If I open astall, and you are using it I will not hesitate to urinate all over you for the pursuit of my destiny. Don’t think that class shall stop me, I will spend my days drinking Powerade andviolently expelling them through my manhood all over the school in an endless cycle ofgolden joy. So if you see me around school and I’m not pissing, you bet your ass that I am on my way to.

Gas Prices Cutting Into Mayors Cocaine Budget

2005-08-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Being the mayor of a town like the town I am mayor of isn’t easy. Being the mayor with an overwhelming cocaine addiction is even harder, but paying for this addiction with theserising gas prices is impossible! Here is a little math problem for you; to get to my dealer inPlano from my office in the old Food Lion in my 2005 Dodge Dakota it runs me anywherebetween seven dollars to twenty seven, depending on whether or not I hallucinate on theway and try to run down imaginary squirrels so that they don’t tell my secrets to the elvesthat live under my bed. Multiply that times the four to five trips a week that I make, and you can see that there is hardly enough tax payer money to pay for my gas plus my $20,000 a week cocaine habit. Gotta’ get that yayo bitch. A lot of people question the effectiveness of a mayor who is so high that he cannot even write his own name, But I think I hide my problems from my co-workers fairly well, I have the drugs inserted into the anus of a donkey, which I lead around city hall and my office by the testicles. Whenever anyone asks me about my odd behavior I threaten to have them executed, and their bodies hung from the cell tower, I mean flagpole outside. I would continue, but I have to go now because there is an eleven foot raccoon in the corner of my office beckoning me with fresh baked muffins.

Cell Tower/Flag Pole: Not Fooling Anyone

2005-08-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

Who the fuck do those fuckers think they are fucking with? Im no tard, I know a cell towerwhen I see one! Every day when I drive past that "flag pole" I vomit all over the inside ofmy car. This is particularly troublesome because I have to drive past it to get to work everyday. To think, I gave my life for that flag in NAM… well, not me personally, but some guys I knew. For The Colony to think that they can get away with flying old glory on that FAG poll pisses me right off. I almost got fired from my job because I come to work everyday with vomit all over my clothes and in my hair from my puke ricocheting off my steering wheel and dashboard and back on to my person. Thanks a lot The Colony, for making a mockery of the greatest fucking nation on the planet

Budget Suites: The Decline Of Civilization

2005-06-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

By Wilbur Fields

As most of you might have noticed our small town has had some big changes since it was founded. One of the more recent changes is the building of the hotel Budget Suites. Now, in dire situations I will stay at one of these “hotel” establishments, but in the case of Budget Suites I would rather sleep in a bed of broken glass, not only is Budget Suites a poor example of business ethics they also harbor many of the worst people this town has to offer. If you didn’t know, people live in Budget Suites! Yes, that is correct, the inhabitants of that structure tarnish the sanctity of our beautiful neighborhoods. You might ask yourself “Why would a person want to live full time in a Budget Suites?” Well the answer is more of a correction of the question; you see we aren’t dealing with people, we are dealing with something much worse, a lowly bottom feeding crowd of gluttonous, lazy, beasts that thrive on free maid service and the convenience of snack machines down the hall. You might think “Hey, its cheap to live there, they get free maid service, a safe parking lot, courtesy, snack machines down the halls, free ice, also free gym usage, that doesn’t sound that bad.” Oh but it is, they take full advantage of these rights and don’t really care about what other people think or do, in fact they purposefully dirty their rooms so that the maids must clean up. To me it appears that these heathens are scum, and only out to destroy the American dream of a house, kids, and a dog named Rover (did I mention no pets allowed?) these carpetbaggers will stop at nothing to deteriorate all of Western Civilization, they come here from the third world and try their hardest to use America’s resources and contribute nothing. I find it horrifying, because perhaps if this sort of lifestyle grows it popularity it
will become customary and thus those people out there living like me will be vicariouslyconverted through use of propaganda and empty promises made by the “suiters” Please help me in my personal crusade against the nihilistic way of living promoted by Budget Suites.

Your City Hall Used To Be A Food Lion

2005-06-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

By Arrogant Frisco Resident Brian Callahan

Haha ha. In your face!
I was just leaving Dr. Pepper/7up ballpark and my loving wife and I decided we would stop by the Stonebriar mall to pick up some toiletries for our new house in one of the numerous expensive subdivisions in Frisco, while we were there I couldn't’t help but notice all the classless T.C. Children. What vagabonds. One of them told me I was a faggot, but I beg to differ, I’m not the one who lives in The Colony…. Ah yes,… how’s that feel? …Does it
burn?... Let it sink in. Your city hall used to be a Food Lion! That's right, Your City Council meets in the old produce department! How does that make you feel? Your seat of government is in the abandoned ruins of a company who was run out of business for
bleaching meat and selling it to hicks like you! Isn’t the tallest building in your city 3stories tall? PATHETIC! Why do you think they’re making 121 a tollway? So you wont be able to drive on it because your all so poor! Suck it, because you know I’m right.

P.S.: Stay the fuck out of my town.

A Day In The Life : TCPD Officer

2005-06-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

By Joe Borkowski

My job is so hard. You may think a lot of people see the badge and the police squad car and think, “wow, that guy’s important”. In fact, what they really think is something like “I hate that motherfucker, quit following me”. I know they feel this way, I’m just trying to do my job, I wanted to let everyone know, I’m not a bad guy, I’m not. So I wrote this piece to show you that I’m human, just like everyone else, I want to take you through typical day in my life. I usually wake up around 8 a.m., my shift doesn’t start till 10 so this gives me a little time to go about my morning and prepare myself for a long day. I fix myself a bowl of King Vitamin wash it down with 3 shots of crown royal. I have a monarch themed breakfast. After about 30 minutes of sitting on the edge of my bed with my pistol in my mouth contemplating suicide, I get dressed for work and do a line of coke off my bedroom counter. Who’s gonna stop me, the cops? Hahaha, sorry, that’s just a little cop humor. I get in my squad car and check in, I’m officially on duty, there’s a lot of crime out there but I’m short on my ticket quota for the month so I’m gonna skulk around and wait for people to roll through stop signs on empty streets or catch people making left turns onto Main street from the Albertsons parking lot or something. I usually try to write between 35 and 40 tickets a day, that’s a lot of tickets and sometimes it’s hard to find that many people breaking the law, so what you have to do is make it up. For instance, I see this guy driving down John Yates, the speed limit is 35 and he’s driving about 34, but since there’s no speed limit sign posted, I flip on my lights pull him over, and tell him the speed limits 30, and for good measure, I say I clocked him at 85. Usually the guy gets out of hand and I’m able to write him another ticket for sassing an officer. You get the point though, it’s tricks
like that one that allow me to keep the streets of this town safe. All of this may sound a little boring to you, you may say, “Gee, I thought the life of a cop would be more exciting than that.” Well my friend, it is. Around 4 I usually head on down to TCHS and wait for kids to look at me funny, when they do I like to search their cars and generally hassle them, good times. Hold on, I’m getting a call on the radio, there’s some kids loitering at Bill Allen, I’llcontinue this next week.

City Hall Or Gestapo

2005-06-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

Dale Potrontron Wilbur Fields

WF: "City Council isn't that bad, I mean c'mon these are just everyday people not getting paid, and trying to help keep the community around them beautiful and safe."

DP: "Fuck that, City Council is a bunch of fucking Nazi's! I saw them feasting on house cats and offering sacrifices to the devil."

WF: "Perhaps the Council members had mistaken the house cats for delicious cucumber sandwiches, I sometimes make the same mistake. Also, what you might call a satanic sacrifice could have been a corn cob roast."

DP: "Fuck you! I know what I saw. One time, I attended a City Council meeting and watched them approve the construction of 15 new liquor stores and decline the construction of a minor leauge baseball stadium. Nazi's hate baseball."

WF: "I dont know about that decision, I would have sure loved to have a minor leauge field, but think about all of the slow traffic filing out after games, at least people who stop at liquor stores speed away recklessly

DP: "Fuck traffic! In 25 years we'll all be flying around in fucking jet packs anyway with robots that do backflips and shit."

I'll Do What I Damn Well Please

2005-06-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

By Dale Potrontron

Hey, Fuck You!
This is America buddy, and the last time I checked I was an American first and a citizen ofthis town second. So you can take your stupid rules about tall grass, and junked cars, and garbage cans, and shove them up your fucking ass! This is my property and I’ll do what I
damn well please with it! If I want to raise pigs I will do so, If I want to drink beer in my backyard and grill a 2 inch steak naked I will do so, and if I want to build a 15 ft. cement wall around my property with guard stations and machine gun turrets I will do so, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. So suck it, you stupid city code enforcement officers. I’m invincible and I know it. By the power vested in me by men like Aaron Burr and George “Motherfucking” Washington, I have the right to stand on my roof and yell
“FUCK YOU CITY HALL” at the top of my lungs if I so choose, and I do…FUCK YOU CITY HALL!

GMS Carrer Day 2005

2005-06-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

In the most recent semester of LISD schools; I as a very good representation of an activemember in The Colony community government sat in on a lecture in government for Career Day. The youths seemed very non-chalant when the speaker, our beloved mayor began to talk. He discussed his job, how the election works and what he usually does, he also told the kids how he doesn’t get paid for his community position but only reaps the wonderful benefits of servicing your community, something usually done as punishment for an array of small crimes. He went further through the speech until he was finished
presenting graphs and financial data; at the end of his planned lecture he opened the floor to the eighth grade students to ask questions or make statements about their planned future in government. Not taking advantage of the situation to speak face to face with their mayor no youthsraised their hands causing the teacher to ask a question about the up-coming construction on highway 121. The mayor responded with an extremely long explanation of the situation they were facing on making it a toll road and also delved into such topics as the people he met in the process, causing a lot of big names to be dropped; but since he was talking to children the names were dropped on deaf ears. After his very interesting explanation he opened the floor once again to the children, one child asked why the cops were so mean, a view shared by quite a few youths. The mayor responded to a question with another question; which by the way is very rude. The mayor asked “In what way does the police force harass you and your friends?” The boy said that at one time the police tried to illegally search his posse for a marijuana cigarette (often referred to as a joint, j, or spliff) The mayor responded shockingly by caring for his case and saying “ That’s not good if you are in this lecture. If you want to work in government your opponent will dig up dirt on you, and if that situation occurred then it is very bad. If you smoke weed or trip on some nice shrooms try not to get caught because that stuff well catch back up to you and bite you in the ass.” I was highly appalled and stormed from the room after letting out a deep sigh, had I known that the mayor had such terrible views on teenagers using drugs I would’ve never voted for that fucking cunt! I am expressing my opinion on this situation that I witnessed, but since it was so traumatic my quotation might be slightly incorrect but you get the jist of it. I find it very shocking that the mayor is so liberal on drug control, I hope that I am not alone in my views!

Mommy, Why Can't I Go Swimming In The Legends Pool?

2005-06-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

Mommy, why can’t I swim in the Legends swimming pool? I really want to show you how good I can swim; I don’t even need my water wings anymore. It’s the closest pool to our house, and my friends in school always say how much fun it is there! Did you know they have little waterfalls? I walked over there yesterday and there was a big gate, so I waited for this family to walk in and I tried to follow them but a man asked to see my credentials. What are credentials mommy? He told me only people who live in the Legends get to swim in this pool. Is that because they’re better than us? Our neighborhood doesn’t have a swimming pool. The city pool is so far away, I guess I can go there, but I think we need to keep the Legends people out, they have their own pool.

TC Hoods: Eastvale

2005-06-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Travis and I live in Eastvale. Eastvale is a distinguishable area inside The Colony. Eastvale is between the duplexes and the lake and west of the water treatment plant. "We used to be our own city, but we were deemed unfit to govern." It is by far the worst place in The Colony, not only does it look like shit it smells like it too, if you are still having trouble finding Eastvale because you lack a sense of smell or have good taste in neighborhoods you can find it by looking for the crumbling houses or trailers. The balls that The Colony has to actually call this hellhole a residential neighborhood must be humongous. To clue you in on what it is like to live in Eastvale on welfare checks I have included a schedule of my average day.
1:45 PM- Wake up from drinking binge; major hangover.
2:00 PM- Eat expired Bologna on a tortilla.
2:30 PM- Go to the Ice Box and buy five 40 oz Bud Ice’s and drink them behind the
building before the cops show up to bust up my party.
3:25 PM- Stumble over to Stop ‘N Go and buy myself a pack of Black & Mild cigars then
smoke all of them outside the store.
3:50 PM- Steal a rag full of gasoline and huff it all up.
4:00 PM- Buzz.
4:05 PM- Crash in the waterfall/pond in between the 7-11 and City Hall.
8:42 PM- Woken up by pecking birds and honking horns.
8:50 PM- Start walking back the trailer.
9:12 PM- Eat raw eggs and watch UPN.
9:47 PM- Drink myself back to sleep

Wal-Mart Remodeling

2005-06-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

As a long time resident of The Colony I am a regular patron of the Super Wal-Mart, like most of the members of our community I tend to enjoy things that remain regular, but lately my carefully assembled communal Mecca has been disrupted. Yes, that is correct;
Wal-Mart is changing! I was as surprised as most of you, and boy was I lost. As I looked around at the faces of other customers entering the building I noticed that they all felt the same feeling; deceit. The one thing that remains constant, Wal-Mart had changed, and not for the better mind you. Perhaps a change to their policy on taking articles of clothing into the fitting room would have been welcomed, or a change in staffing in the photo-department to get rid of those punk kids who wont develop my pictures would be a good decision. Usually I am not one to meander about a subject, but as you know I am feeling a little emotional right now, and this distress has caused a large build up. The change in Wal-Mart although terrible and cruel to long time customers has deeply rooted sociological reasoning behind it. As my son Bobby and I entered the store to purchase him a pair of short boy’s slacks we noticed the changes immediately, the men’s clothing department which was previously located dead center in the front of the store to accommodate to a man’s need of utilitarianism had been switched with the more lollygagging women’s clothing department which is conveniently located between the female hygiene/make-up isles and the groceries (the only places a woman should be) so now as you enter the store the women’s clothing is located in the front, as soon as you enter. It almost brought me to tears as I had to walk the extra thirty five feet to reach the men’s department, but as I was burying my teary eyes into a pair of socks the reasoning behind the radical decisions dawned on me. Advertising, yes, it is known that women enjoy shopping for clothing and they are usually distracted easily. So, in a marketing scheme Wal-Mart has re-arranged the clothing departments so that my female co-shoppers are attracted to spending money in the clothes isle, which mind you now has a “wooden” floor to give it a more uptown boutique feel. By encouraging pre-groccery spending in the clothing isles Wal-Mart can not only collect the revenue of normal shopping but also include other un-planned spending. Of course this spending is only un-planned by the customer, The Wal-Mart corporation has obviously planned this very well, but this plan will back fire if we stand strong against the attempt by Wal-Mart to tempt us and our wives into extraneous spending. For now all we can do is pray that this terrible change is just a nightmare and that we will all wake up and it will go away.
By Sociology Dept. Head Wilbur Fields.